


Can I Be Him?

by wontbutyoumight



Category: Atypical (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Fluffy Angst, Pining, basically just izzie being a hopeless gay, i don't know what this is, i was listening to the acoustic version of "can i be him" by james arthur and angst ensued, mutual pining I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 05:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16056461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wontbutyoumight/pseuds/wontbutyoumight
Summary: "And then Casey kisses him before she is able to reach the first step - really kisses him, wrapping her arms around his neck and Izzie can’t stop herself from staring at them for a few moments (and it feels like forever), wondering if Evan knows how lucky he really is. The burning sting in her chest eventually becomes too much for her and she tears her gaze away from what could have been her if it weren’t for him. God, she wishes she knew what that felt like."





	Can I Be Him?

**Author's Note:**

> hello, hello, fellow fandom people!  
> this is basically the first-ever-thing i am publishing on ao3 because i am a coward, and i also barely ever write things, which is why i would greatly appreciate feedback, or more prompts! (i am definitely up for writing more about the two of them) - maybe listen to the acoustic version of james arthur's "can i be him" if you want to get the full experience (because that is what i listened to on repeat while listening to this)  
> english is not my native language and i wrote this in one sitting, so if there are any mistakes i am sorry but also not sorry

Izzie inches closer to Casey on her bed, hesitantly leaning her forehead against hers. Of course something like a „forehead promise“ did not exist - she had simply wanted an excuse to be close to her, an opportunity for Izzie to feel that light buzzing that made her stomach flip and continually spread out across her spine, making her shiver ever so slightly every time the girl flashed her a smile, or their hands brushed together by accident. (Or maybe it’s never an accident, and she is purposely using every available moment to be close to Casey. She isn’t sure whether that is her doing, or Casey is well aware of it and taking advantage of it, too.)

„Is it obvious I just made that up?“, Izzie eventually manages to mumble quietly, a shy smile stretching across her face. Their faces are so close to each other she is able to spot every mole, every single detail on Casey’s face, and she resists the urge to brush a single strand of hair that fell into her face just a moment ago behind her ear. Izzie’s gaze inevitably falls down onto the other girl’s lips, and she feels herself hold her breath, because what if she wasn’t the only one wanting this? She knows she technically should not be doing this - because Casey has a boyfriend - sweet, perfect, unknowing Evan - but she can’t help but think that Casey would have backed away by now if she did not want _this_ , whatever it was, too. Her intentions, disguised as a silly „forehead promise“ just a minute ago, must be clear to her by now.

She feels Casey shift towards her and _god_ , her mind feels foggy, and everything in her head is screaming _Casey, Casey, Casey_ and she can feel her shallow breath against her own lips, and she is _so_ close to finally being able to do the thing she has wanted to do ever since she saw the girl arrive at Clayton and got to know her later on, and —

The door flies open and Casey practically jumps to the other side of the bed, cheeks turning a dark shade of red. Her mother mumbles something she is not quite able to comprehend at the moment, her brow is furrowed, still not able to catch on what had just almost happened if Elsa had not stormed in. 

„Thank you, Mrs. Gardner,“ Izzie presses out, a polite smile on her face. She glances at Casey once the „devil incarnate“, as they call her mom, leaves the room. Casey, clearly nervous, fiddles with the fabric of her sweater to avoid eye contact, and Izzie draws out a quiet sigh. Normally, she would talk this out, discuss what just _almost_ happened - but something in her gut tells her that the other girl is not up for it and she has to respect her boundaries. She always does. And Casey loves Evan, not her. Of course she does. 

„Let’s get down there, Newton. You’re missing out on your own party,“ she jokes lightly, but the quiver in her voice betrays her facade and she internally damns herself for being so genuine, so vulnerable around the girl, even though they've only known each other for a few weeks now. She can tell Casey notices because she glances at her, concern written all over face, but the girl stays silent, pressing her lips together in a tight smile that looks both apologetic and guilt-ridden.

They’re on their way downstairs when she sees _him_ \- Evan, a bright smile on his face as soon as he spots his girlfriend emerging from her room in front of Izzie. And then Casey kisses him before she is able to reach the first step to escape this situation - _really_ kisses him, wrapping her arms around his neck and Izzie can’t stop herself from staring at them for a few moments (and it feels like forever), wondering if Evan knows how lucky he really is. The burning sting in her chest eventually becomes too much for her to handle and she tears her gaze away from what could have been her if it weren’t for him. God, she wishes she knew what that felt like. 

 

Weeks later they sit inside of Casey’s parked car and when she tells Izzie that she loves Evan, she bites her lip and ignores the knives plunging into her chest that leave behind a burning sensation accompanied by an inexplicable feeling of emptiness. She simply smiles, staring into space to avoid giving away how hurt she really is.

„I know you do.“

Yet the silence hangs in the air unspoken until Casey continues to talk about things feeling _„so right“_ sometimes, and Izzie knows exactly what she means. Things have always felt _so right_ with Casey. There and then she decides she has to take risks even if it meant rejection - because Casey would never make a move on her (to avoid being like her mom, which in conclusion, would make her a hypocrite and a liar). Her hand casually inches closer and she allows herself to carefully wrap her pinky around Casey’s, now on uncharted territory. She's trying out how the girl feels about this, just waiting for her to pull away any second, asking Izzie what she’s doing — but the moment never comes. 

Izzie subconsciously bites her lower lip until she tastes the metallic taste of blood in her mouth, only stopping and exhaling quietly when she feels Casey shift her hand closer to hers, encouraging her to keep going. One of them, it doesn’t matter who, eventually intertwines their fingers and a smile creeps up on her face. Casey’s grip on her hand tightens when she hears the buzzing of her phone and she immediately knows who’s calling her (because, _of course_ it’s Evan - who else would it be?). She half expects Casey to let go, act like this interaction never happened and drive back to meet her boyfriend - but the buzzing abruptly stops, and out of the corner of her eye she sees Casey’s shoulders relax when she throws her phone back into her backpack carelessly. 

The silence around the two of them grows comfortable and Izzie starts tracing mindless patterns across the back of the girl’s hand until they eventually start driving again, music filling the silence between casual conversations - neither of them let go, or loosen the grip on each other’s hands during the whole ride.

Just for a few moments Izzie allows herself to close her eyes and be happy, to let a wide smile stretch out on her face (she feels Casey glance at her, but she doesn't care) - because _god_ , she is finally getting a taste of what Evan is privileged to. If this is what it’s like to be him, to have what he has - she could certainly get used to the feeling.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading if you got to this point, sorry for all the angst! you can find me on wontbutyoumight.tumblr.com if you want to make suggestions or just talk to me (always up for that)


End file.
